Posts Tagged ‘vegans should be spanked with meat belts every day until they cry out for meatloaf but we still won’t give it to them’

Bravo Brings on Natalie Portman to Ruin Top Chef

July 13, 2009

nportman

In what can only be described as an act of unbelievable stupidity, the Bravo Network decided to destroy its popular Top Chef series by adding self-righteous vegan Natalie Portman as a guest host.  The Emmy award-winning reality show has built a large following by featuring up-and-coming culinary rock stars cooking artistic, delicious, and meaty dishes.  This reputation will certainly be put to the test when the producers ask chefs to cook bland, meatless food with a poop-like presentation.  Nobody will be surprised when contestants buckle under the pressure to produce a fecal-inspired meal to please Ms. Portman, who hasn’t made a decent movie since The Professional.

Accomplished chef and best-selling author Anthony Bourdain, who himself has served as a guest judge on Top Chef, sums up the restaurant industry’s feeling toward Ms. Portman and her cult of fellow vegans:

“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”

[Via: Ecorazzi]

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Meat Belts Go Good With Cigarettes

June 30, 2009

Meat belts are not only good for spanking naughty Vegans. They also come in handy when trying to maintain popularity in high school.

The troublesome thing about this video is that the ending seems to imply that wearing a meat belt and smoking cigarettes are both things that are strange and uncool. But what the advertising company surely meant to imply, and what we in the Meat Mafia all know to be true, is that meat belts not only go great with cigarettes, but improve your chances of getting laid. So take a big, bloody bite and smoke up, kiddies!